Stuck in Self-Healing: Why My Trauma Search Became a Dead End

Obsessed With Finding That Repressed Trauma

I never wanted to reduce my life to a series of psychological dilemmas, but somehow, I found myself pulled into that world anyway. After becoming a mum, I found myself struggling under the weight of everyday responsibilities—keeping the household organised, trying to stay mindful with the kids, while watching an eating disorder I’ve never had manifest. I tried therapy after therapy, but the experiences were often more harmful than healing. I kept meeting therapists who just felt all wrong—people I couldn’t even bring myself to open up to about my daily struggles, let alone the deeper challenges I faced.

I didn’t leave my fate entirely in my therapist’s hands and began researching on my own, which led me down familiar paths of “inner child work,” “complex trauma and its effects,” and “IFS, internal family systems.” I convinced myself that if I could just uncover that elusive childhood trauma and give my body the chance to release it, I would finally find healing and my life would improve. I pinned my hopes on somatic therapy, believing it held the key. But even that unravelled in ways I hadn’t expected. The therapist I worked with in the end couldn’t handle the things that triggered my issues—the very issues I needed help with most.

Every time I mustered the courage to share something real, something raw, she would interrupt me. Instead of holding space for what I needed and was ready to express, she redirected me to exercises—wiggling, shaking, and other techniques that left me feeling even more dismissed. It felt like the emotional release was right at arm’s length, yet she kept me from reaching it. Her discomfort with my truths only deepened my known experiences of rejection and made healing seem increasingly out of reach.

Turning My Back On Trauma Work

For at least seven years, I kept searching—more and more. The more trauma-aware I became, the weirder the people I met. Even within the world of healing, I came across people who, while full of knowledge, felt unrelatable or just plain strange. That’s when I realised something important: my struggles weren’t rooted in my childhood—it was about living in a world where most people don’t really know themselves. Not long after that, I started to question whether I might be neurodivergent. I began to acknowledge at last that I had been a “weirdo” all along, trying to fit into a world that never made much sense to me.

This was the point when I shifted my view on trauma. I started thinking of trauma more as “life is trauma, and trauma is life.” I began to see that, according to the modern definition, everyone is traumatised. Major trauma may be rare, but adverse childhood experiences are very common, and have been for generations. I started to wonder if it really made sense to blame trauma for mental disorders and addictions alone.

I meet a lot of people who are on the healing path, both online and in person. And it’s becoming clearer to me that most people’s struggles—including my own—aren’t really about terrible parents (though, yes, sometimes parents are awful and we do need to process our relationships with them). It’s not always the invisible traumas or how the nervous system is out of balance. The core of the struggle is often a disconnection from oneself and living a life that doesn’t align with our needs—while constantly overstepping our own boundaries.

The Awareness We Can’t Heal Without

I mean, take a look at the world we’ve created. We’ve stripped away the very basics of what it means to live well as humans—time to be and rest, nourishing food, supportive communities, meaningful purpose, and a sense of safety.

From earliest childhood, we’re moulded into cogs in a machine, being told that without this standardised childhood we can’t possibly have a good life. We’re feeding ourselves foods our bodies don’t recognise because we need this time-saving convenience of fast foods. We’re thrust into a pace of life that’s relentless, even in childhood. There’s no time to pause, no room to explore or savour life. Yet we remain trapped on this hamster wheel, never stopping to ask if the wheel itself is the problem. And then, in a world where we’re deprived of experiencing life with all our senses from childhood—reduced instead to intellectual pursuits—we wonder why brain degenerative diseases and mental disorders are everywhere.

Our lives have become impossibly complex, drowning us in rules, guidelines, terms, and conditions. Passwords, numbers, contracts, emails, endless technical glitches—these dominate our days. We barely have time for one another, let alone space to voice our concerns or learn from shared experiences. Instead, we’re told to look to books, experts, or screens to understand life, sidelining the wisdom that comes from living life.

We’re divided over social norms and policies, isolated in our struggles, and overwhelmed by jobs burdened with unnecessary standards, endless bureaucracy, and bullying an accepted norm. Fear and scarcity dictate our thoughts. And all the while, we willingly consume strange synthetics, toxins, and metals—believing they’ll somehow improve our beauty or health. We’ll believe in anyone who sells us hope for money.

In just a century, women have gone from being the glue that held families and communities together to becoming isolated 'superwomen', trying to balance impossible expectations. They now silently crumble under the weight of perfectionism, as the role of nurturing care has been outsourced to underpaid strangers. And yet, we rarely stop to question if this is progress or madness.

If you think dystopia is just a genre of fiction, better think again. Reality has caught up—and it’s demanding that we wake up.

Thriving Despite Trauma

I certainly have a history of childhood trauma. That said, I would describe my trauma as fairly minor, not to diminish the lessons I endured from neglect. I’ve definitely carried scars with me, and there may still be repressed trauma lurking in the dark, waiting to reveal itself at some point. I certainly didn’t have emotionally aware parents "co-regulating" me. But honestly, it’s rare to find someone who has.

The truth is, many people navigate life with trauma. Sometimes we have to stop seeing ourselves as victims of our past and instead focus on living life in the present. This isn’t about invalidating trauma—it can be profoundly life-changing, especially when it involves life-threatening events or lasting injuries. Those kinds of trauma leave visible scars, and they need to be addressed.

The way I see it now is that our lives are shaped by a mix of influences—our parents, caregivers, and the people we encounter along the way. Some of us are lucky enough to find healing relationships early on, ones that help repair some of the wounds from home. But others don’t. We can’t keep blaming our parents for everything, because if they were the sole source of our pain, we’d all be healed the moment we left home. Or rather: we might not even be traumatised, because most of us grow up in many social circles from early years, and let’s be honest—society as a whole isn’t exactly a shining example of emotional health.
We have to face the reality that, in today’s world, modern life itself is often more traumatic than our childhoods. All the things I’ve mentioned above—the overwhelm, the disconnection, the pressure—these are the things influencing our health, our minds, our bodies, and our brains. Healing still means processing our childhood, the wounds, learned patterns and beliefs. Life will push us to face our past all by itself! We don’t have to be dedicated to chasing the trauma in order to find it.

If you find yourself stuck in your emotional or psychological journey, maybe it’s time to pause and really examine your suffering. Perhaps, like me, you’ll come to the realisation that you can stop blaming your childhood. Your parents may never be your best friends or confidantes, but you can create a life where your needs are met elsewhere. You can take responsibility for your happiness and learn to live in a way that brings you more fulfilment. But this path requires more patience than just understanding why you struggle. It requires you to actually change your life, a small habit at a time! Subscribe to my newsletter, or follow me on social media to get some inspiration from someone who is trying!

I hope my thoughts have sparked something in you today. As always, I welcome your comments—please share your experiences, thoughts, and feelings in the space below.