It’s Me Against Me (And the Case of ADHD)

My Challenges

The other day, I had a conversation with my sister about recurring complaints in our diaries. You know that feeling when you reread old diary entries and realise… nothing has changed? For me, the recurring theme since my 20s is clear: I want to achieve something, I make lists, I start, but I just don’t reach my goals. It’s a pattern that has haunted me for as long as I can remember.

I struggle with low activity, disorganisation, and an inability to stick to routines. My to-do lists tend to get ignored 2-3 days after creation, and not willfully, and I can’t even maintain a simple habit like taking daily remedies. I recently described it as an “invisible band” keeping me from pursuing my dreams because I can’t take the steps to get there.

The challenge is compounded by the fact that any attempt to motivate myself often triggers binge eating. I’m not kidding. I don’t know how many times I found myself setting a goal, intent on starting the next day, and then an uncontrollable desire to eat sets in. It’s quite embarrassing when I think about it. You could call it self-sabotage, but I have yet to find that inner voice some claim is there that’s sabotaging my efforts. For me, it looks more like general regulation problems in the brain. Luckily, I have removed all items from my diet that I was longing for in these situations, so binge eating is off the table for the moment.

Back to my activity levels. I wrote at some other point that I tentatively self-diagnose with ADHD, because it ticks most boxes of my life struggles (impulsivity and execution), but who knows if I’m right.
I am actually very dedicated. Rather unusual for ADHD, for instance, is that I tend to finish what I start. Both work and studying have taught me to sit down and do things even when I am not motivated. This includes household chores. I just can’t handle structure, so I constantly run around like a headless chicken, ticking off imaginary boxes off to do lists in my head. Especially as a single, working, home schooling mom.
I also try to have an organised life and home. I have stacks for stuff here and there, but I would consider this in a healthy range. I just don’t feel good when my home is a mess though I don’t have picture-perfect home either. I wasn’t always like this. I had to “want” this and learn to work on a tidiness standard. It’s the way I achieve this though, that is incredibly messy and chaotic.
Generally, I still struggle though because I just can’t get anywhere with the things I’m doing, always lagging behind in life despite all the conscious effort I put in every day to make ends meet.

ADH… what?

ADHD, or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, is a condition that affects focus, impulse control, and activity levels. It often feels like having a brain that’s constantly switching channels, unable to settle on one. For some, it’s marked by restlessness and high energy; for others, it’s more internal—a foggy struggle to organise thoughts and follow through on tasks. Despite its challenges, ADHD often comes with bursts of creativity and intense focus on passions, creating a paradoxical experience.

When dealing with ADHD, as any other health conditions, I often can’t help but wonder about the causes. Any scientific mind is obsessed with the causes, aren’t they? Since the rate of diagnoses of all sorts of mental and neurological causes are multiplying, and not all of it can be explained with more awareness, I suppose it’s reasonable to ask what is causing our mental health decline. On one hand, I suspect genetics play the most significant role. My family seems to share traits like hyperfocus on challenging technical tasks and a high susceptibility to low executive levels.

Toxins (or any environmental substances) may not be the root cause of ADHD, although in some circles it's frequently discussed and I am attentive to my toxin intake, but they seem to amplify vulnerabilities, targeting weak spots in our bodies and minds. Given our family history, I believe environmental impacts significantly affect brain development, and I think it will become crucial going forward to address environmental health to improve societal well-being. And to keep the population functional.

I'm very intrigued by people who claim ADHD is a trauma response. Based on my own experience, and the people I know, I would say that ADHD is not a consequence of trauma. I think most people with ADHD have a trauma background, too. As a matter of fact I wonder if there’s really anyone who isn’t hit by some form of trauma (physical, emotional, or developmental). Look around yourself and tell me if you really know anyone who isn’t behaving as a consequence of their small or big traumas in life.
But the question is, if ADHD starts with trauma or trauma with our being different. Having collated a lot opinions and stories on social media especially, I would say that just being different is trauma in and of itself. Not being accepted for being who you are, by your family or the systems you grow up in, can sever your trust in people severely.
The overlap between trauma and ADHD is undeniable, yet disentangling the two is incredibly complex. While trauma is real and impactful, the modern obsession with it runs the risk of oversimplifying its role in neurodivergence. I’ve personally been drawn into trauma narratives for years, searching for that one invisible trauma that was holding me back. But trauma work won’t change our brain. Or maybe it would? Wouldn’t it be fascinating to study how trauma changes the brain (and the nervous system) as opposed to neurodiversity?

I can’t ignore the “nurture” side of such an unbalanced brain development either. Our brains need social interaction, play, and activity to develop fully. Yet, our modern fast paced schedule leaves little time to experience and explore and to build a strong and functional brain. Not even for children. Especially not for children. While our lifestyle is alarming at any rate, I don’t believe it’s the main contributor of ADHD either.

One question for me that remains unanswered is what is the underlying denominator, biological especially, that justifies ADHD as a single diagnosis. Essentially we could ask: what is ADHD really? We throw hyperactivity in the same bucket as non hyperactivity. What is the one thing that defines adults with ADHD that they have in common? Most people (even academics who identify with having ADHD) seem to go with their experience and then generalise their experience to the whole ADHD population, which is just as diverse as the population is in general. Although there’s so much attention on ADHD nowadays, I think we’re only starting to cover these grounds. And I’m rather excited to watch this development.

Through my research, I’ve come to see neurodivergence, including ADHD, as a spectrum. The overlapping traits of ADHD, ASD, HSP (highly sensitive person), and even giftedness make it clear that any of these conditions are anything but straightforward and seperable.

There’s Hope

I honestly don’t believe that a diagnosis is a set fate. Especially with our modern fast-paced, competitive, and technological upbringing and lack of real life stimulation there’s a lot of deficit that is created during early brain development that is worth catching up on when you want to thrive with ADHD-like symptoms. Lifestyle changes like mindfulness, regular activity outdoors, or more social engagement can help brain stimulation and growth in areas that were mostly idle before. You could say that in absence of natural upbringing, the brain is an ever evolving organ that needs our conscious decision to thrive.

This journey is just beginning for me. I’m diving into research, exploring case studies, and listening to diverse perspectives. My hope is to move beyond labels and find practical, individualised ways to support myself and others struggling with ADHD symptoms. If nothing else, I hope my article shows that these issues are complicated—not the simple caricature social media often makes them out to be.