Weird Against My Will

My social media site is named weird.against.my.will. And while it is pretty obvious what it means, I have the urge to explain how I came to choose this nickname for myself.

One of the deepest traumas in my life is feeling like I’m always ‘too much.’ My thoughts, my needs. It’s not a made-up sentiment; it’s rooted in experiences from home but mostly the world at large. Whether I’m socialising, managing relationships, or simply trying to cope, I’m constantly reminded that my authentic self feels ‘too weird’ and ‘too much.’

I have always been weird. At first, probably more because I just don’t get people. They don’t make a lot of sense, are not very straightforward or honest, and more often than not they don’t act in any social interest. I was already mostly an outcast from my earliest years.
People also don’t get me. However well I try to express myself, it seems they never understand me. My trauma and personal growth explorations have even taught me that there’s no point in doing all this personal growth stuff because all the self-help tools you learn — to set boundaries, to express needs, to work towards conflict resolution — they won’t work with the vast majority of people.

One thing that I’ve experienced during my “midlife crisis” is the pain of realising how you lose touch with most people you’ve had in your life when you try to take care of your integrity. It feels like you’ve matured with life’s challenges, or at least are trying to grow up, while others are still dodging problems, staying stuck, or relying on old coping mechanisms without any intention of updating them for the sake of more harmony. And while I wish we could just love each other unconditionally, and I really try, I’m starting to realise that this may not be possible if you also want to be happy. I digress…

There are many ways that I am weird to others. You can tell you don’t belong when you have a hard time, like I have, making friends and keeping them. When meeting people who want to stay in your life and who inspire you, too, is a rare occurrence. And even then, you have a tendency to burn bridges easily because you feel misunderstood even when you over-explain yourself. Well, I do anyway.

But being socially awkward is not the only way I am weird. I am also weird because of my physical struggles. My body just isn’t healthy in any way, and it certainly doesn’t function without intense interventions and discipline. I struggle with an eating disorder (which I would classify as an addiction, although it’s mostly dormant right now — again, thanks to intense interventions). Even though I don’t overeat, I’m forever obese and feel icky in my body. I have severe memory issues and a number of other brain functionality challenges.

And I have an overall peculiar life story. I did this and that for work, failed to create a decent career for myself despite qualifications and good grades. Then failed at love relationships. My life is anything but set and solid. And it never was. I’m currently living in exile (my trauma-informed views on childhood got me into trouble with authorities), being a single mother with two children, one of whom is also struggling with neurodevelopmental issues. In so many ways, I have almost nothing in common with other people. No wonder just about nobody can relate to me.

I’ve been told that I am too intense. By more than one person. My curiosity for “getting life” is immense, and I have a tendency to share my excitement, perspective and knowledge with people without sensible pacing. Don’t ask me anything about healing, healthy relationships, trauma, parenting, “the world”, or spirituality unless you’re prepared for an unexpected presentation in the form of a monologue. From past jobs, I know that I’m fairly good at helping people grasp complex contexts, so it’s rather perplexing that I can’t stop myself from overrunning people with my experiences or knowledge. I blurt out everything I know to help give others context, offer solutions, or simply just share my own experience and compassion with their struggles. But it seems to be too much. Though, to be fair to myself, I do try to dose my lectures.

And I didn’t even choose to become a semi-expert at these topics. Life forced me to. I wasn’t doing well, neither was my child. Lost for answers, I began turning over every stone that presented itself, searching for solutions beneath them. Now I’m stuck with all the knowledge I picked up along the way, as well as all the realisations I came to by myself — but still not being well.

So that’s why I am weird. And as a person who has never found their place in the world, and who always longed to belong, and has tried really hard at that, I am now in a place that I’ve always dreaded: I’m an outcast, a social recluse. I have become unconventional in all sorts of ways — because I believe in responsibility for your health and a good diet, because I prefer minimalism to consumerism, because I’m dissatisfied with modern living standards, because I could talk about the meaning of life forever, because I reject overly simplistic and rigid opinions (the world is never black and white). I also have a very deep sense of perception about myself and my surroundings that when expressed weird people out. And I certainly didn’t choose this path. I never wanted to be unconventional. I wanted to belong. And while it saddens me deeply how lonely this makes me sometimes, I remind myself that being true to who I am matters more than fitting in and hurting.

I hope this serves as a bit of an apology for my intense blog posts. I didn’t choose to be different, I didn’t intend to be complicated, and I certainly didn’t favour to constantly swin upstream in life. And fight the odds. I don’t know who to blame for it either, childhood trauma, God, the universe, my fate, environmental causes, or whatever. I just can’t help it. So, unfortunately, with me, you will never be presented an easy answer. And I’m really sorry about it. But I promise that I will always be as digestible and relatable as I can and help you get perspective. And a chance for you to figure out life with me.

I would also love to hear your thoughts, stories, or experiences in the comments. Maybe you have experienced the same sensations in life. Please tell me what you feel reading this.