In Other Words: Toxic Shame
A few weeks ago, I found myself stuck on something that should’ve been an easy task—something that would’ve taken me 10 minutes if I’d just gotten on with it. But for six months, I kept pushing it off. I’m usually someone who gets things done—ADHD or not. Over 20+ years of adult life, I’ve learned the hard way that things pile up if you don’t deal with them. I have this mantra in my head: "Do the thing, it only takes 15 minutes." But none of my usual tricks worked this time. As the final deadline came dangerously close, I decided to get real with myself and figure out why I was resisting so much.
I wasn’t procrastinating because I couldn’t do it. I was avoiding it because I was afraid to ask for what I needed. And that fear came from somewhere deep inside me—somewhere rooted in shame. Not the kind of shame tied to a specific childhood event, but a more subtle, long-term feeling I’ve carried for as long as I can remember. It was tied to being the “weird one” growing up—the complicated one, the one who never quite fit in. Over time, that feeling of being an outcast became familiar, and I realised that toxic shame had seeped into almost every area of my life.
Shame and Its Causes
Shame is often tied to how we were raised—how parents, caregivers, and other key people in our early lives responded to us. Brené Brown defines it as:
"The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection."
Experiences of physical or emotional abuse, neglect, or constant criticism can instill a deep sense of shame. When caregivers belittle a child, the child often internalises it as proof of their own inadequacy. And most children are belittled, it’s our society’s standard of raising children, let alone of dealing with one another. Which means, a lot of people carry toxic shame in them, whether they are aware of it or not.
But shame, or toxic shame which sits very deep, isn’t just about childhood. It’s an ongoing process shaped by interactions with others and the messages we receive about our place in the world. If our needs go unmet, it can feel like something is inherently wrong with us.
In my case, my sense of shame also stems from always being the odd one out—having different needs, different views, and struggling in ways others didn’t understand. Over time, that shame became part of my identity, making it hard to ask for what I needed.
Trauma expert Peter Levine describes two main types of toxic shame:
Shame from frequent shaming in childhood – Constant criticism and belittling create a lasting sense of worthlessness.
Shame from being ostracised – Being cast out, rejected for who you are or what you believe, leaves deep wounds.
The Shame of Being Different
I resonate deeply with the second type. I’ve felt shame for growing up in poverty and neglect. Shame for struggling to function in a world that expects constant productivity. Shame for questioning societal norms and making unconventional choices. Shame for feeling that I’m overwhelming people with my intensity. Shame for being chaotic and overwhelmed. And the list goes on.
Society tells us we have a right to dignity and self-determination, yet punishes us when we claim it. When rejection from our environment becomes a pattern, shame takes root. Persistent criticism, bullying, or being excluded for being different can lead to a chronic sense of unworthiness. And when that happens over and over, we start believing that we deserve it.
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) is often described as a neurological condition, associated mostly with ADHD, possibly autism too, but could it also be the result of chronic shame? If you grow up feeling different, you learn to expect rejection—and that expectation becomes painful in itself.
Societal Shaming
Shame goes beyond personal rejection; it’s deeply embedded in societal norms, as mentioned earlier. Those who experience chronic shame often pass it on to their children by raising them in the same way. We’re constantly bombarded with societal messages about how we should look, live, and behave. When we don’t meet these ideals, we’re made to feel like failures.
Social media amplifies this effect. Carefully curated images create the illusion that perfection is the norm, making anything less seem inadequate. These unrealistic standards don’t merely encourage conformity—they silently demand it. The unspoken message is clear: If you don’t meet these expectations, you don’t belong. It’s important to note that none of this is intentional. It’s more like an unconscious program that most of us are running without even realising it.
And shame doesn’t just come from institutions or media. It comes from the people around us—family, friends, co-workers—who have internalised these societal standards and subtly enforce them. They might not say, "You should be ashamed of yourself," but their judgements, their distancing, their silence send the message loud and clear: it’s wrong to do what you do.
These subtle signals leave us questioning our worth. They make us feel like our very presence is something to be ashamed of. And when that shame is internalised, it shapes our entire sense of self.
… But I Don’t Want to Be Ashamed
Once we recognise how deeply shame has affected us, we want to break free from it. Therapy is often the go-to solution, and talking is therapy. A good therapist can help us put things into perspective. But if your shame stems from being different, it’s crucial to find a therapist who truly understands that experience. Too many therapists are caught in the same societal standards as everyone else. The lack of empathy for our struggles will likely keep us trapped in a shame spiral.
If therapy isn’t an option—or if you prefer working on this alone—here are some tools that might help:
1. Uncover Your Shame History
Spend time reflecting on where your shame comes from. What messages did you internalise? What patterns do you see? Journaling can be a powerful tool—there are plenty of prompts online that could help you dig deeper.
2. Practice Self-Compassion
Ask yourself: Are they really rejecting me, or are they just reacting in their own way?
Challenge shameful beliefs: What about me is truly shameful? Is this belief actually true?
3. Change What You Can
Identify what you’re ashamed of and see if you can rewrite some of that narrative. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a little self-improvement in areas where we want to be better versions of ourselves. Sometimes, small shifts in perspective or action can break the cycle of shame.
4. Talk About It
Shame thrives in secrecy. If you have emotionally healthy people around you, share your experiences with them. A trusted friend or family member can help ease the burden.
5. Read Books
Many books on personal development can challenge our beliefs and help us reframe how we see ourselves in the world.
Acceptance is Healing
Of intense feelings of shame may never fully disappear—and that’s okay. It’s part of our history. Instead of trying to eliminate it, we can learn to live with it without letting it control us.
Another important realisation that helps put things into perspective is this: almost everyone carries shame. It’s woven into our culture. Many people who enforce ideals struggle to meet them themselves. They will silently suffer from the same sense of shame. The difference is that while some acknowledge it, others project it onto their peers instead. Projection is when someone unconsciously attributes their own feelings, struggles, or flaws to others instead of acknowledging them within themselves.
Most relationship struggles stem from people trying to hide their insecurities instead of acknowledging them. If we can learn to bring our shame into our relationships, holding it with awareness and kindness together, we might find it loses some of its power. When life triggers our shame, we can recognise it, acknowledge it, and walk through it rather than letting it dictate our actions.
Being aware of your own shame means you’ve already stepped out of its shadow. When you’re in this place of awareness, only great things can happen, least of all real growth.
Final Thoughts
Shame is complex, multi-layered, and deeply personal. I don’t claim to have all the answers, but I hope sharing my experience helps you reflect on yours.
Now, I’d love to hear from you. What does shame mean for you? Do you think you carry toxic shame? If so, what contributed to it?
References:
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.
Levine, P. A. (2010). In an unspoken voice: How the body releases trauma and restores goodness. North Atlantic Books.
Levine, P. A. (2022, August 16). How to overcome toxic shame with Peter A. Levine, PhD [Video]. YouTube. The Embody Lab. LINK